Friday, December 31
well, all i can say, 2004's been a dismal year... with all the clashes and the disasters all around the year, we have nothing to do about it, except to pray, to have 2005 a happy year, where the world can live in peace.
happy new peaceful year.
note: regarding the communication problem, i haven't received any confirmation from Iraq about it, I have received a confirmation that the schools ARE already closed, and employee are still working but they might stop by the new year.
Thursday, December 23
I was held at the US immigration office in Vancouver for 2 hours, I missed my flight and I had to stay the night at Vancouver because there were no other flights for the day, next day I went 4 hours before my flight just in case, and I was held for 4 hours at the immigration, they had to start all over with the process and I donno why… eventually, I could catch my plane as the gate was closing and I reached Seattle, I stayed at my friend’s house for couple of hours and then I went back to the airport, everything went okay and I flew all the way to west coast to the heart of america… New York!
I spent the first hours of the day sleeping in subways because I was too tired of the whole trip and I didn’t want to start another adventure carrying a heavy bag around the streets of NYC, anyway, it was around 4 in the afternoon when I decided to go up and see the city, so I go up, and I find myself in World Trade Center station, right in front of the WTC site… what a coincidence!
Anyway, I walked around the streets of Manhattan until it was night and I realized that I will eventually need a place to stay, so I call one of my friends and I tell her that I’m just an Iraqi man lost somewhere by times square, she gives me the direction to her place in Brooklyn, I go there… and here I am!, sitting in a nice warm place with a clear mind away from Pearson College and its life; a busy yet wonderful life that you just can’t get out of your head, its been 48 hours and I started to miss it.
We had our last musical café for 2004 the day before we leave, and it was great fun and everybody was singing and then music students wrote this nice song “take a break from Pearson” and then we said good-byes to each other and everyone was sad because we’re just like a family now and stuff…
Yeah anyway, its freezing here, I was watching the forecast before coming to the east coast, and it said that the weather New York is going to be 32, and I was like wow man that’s very warm… apparently, it was 32 Fahrenheit, something below 0 for me!
But even so, I went for a walk in streets of Manhattan, and took some pictures in grand central station and empire state building and stuff… amazing for me!
Anyway, I’ll be staying here for Christmas, and by the new year I’ll be traveling to DC to meet some friends until my break is over on 7th and I’ll go back to Pearson College…
Friday, November 5
its a very simple way of having a sustainable -albeit small- amount of money coming through my site to help achieving simple projects in Iraq.
basically, the idea is, the more people click on these ads and check them, the money points that my account gains, and eventually, I get paid couple of bucks... enough to help people back home, i hope.
so, feel free to check these ads whenever you have time to !
I just wanted to tell you that I got shocked of number of mails that I have received, I never expected this many of mails!... I can´t say anything but a million thanks to everyone who helped and supported this project. Thank you all.
Since most of people told me that they don´t want their names published on the net, i am going to write only initials of people who donated with amounts of money they dontated.
so, here we go:
unknown $20 US.
(R) $20 US.
C. M $20 US.
(T) $25 US.
N.S $50 CA.
W.K $100 US.
H.T $100 CA.
K.M.M $200 CA.
(S) $200 US.
I will keep posting more payments soon... I still have couple of letters more.
please note that these are only from people who mailed me the money (in cash or cheques) to my address.
thank you all again.
Thursday, October 21
first of all, thank you for those who already started to donate money. I just wanted to say that a $5 donation does make a difference. Iraq is a very cheap country, and with few bucks you can buy a reasonable amount of medication.
I have received several emails from people who wanted to send the money to me by mail.
here is my address:
Attn. Majid Jarrar
650 Pearson College Drive
Victoria, V9C 4H7
I will wire the money to Raed, and i will expect him to send me receipts back from my family in Baghdad. I will scan the receipts and email it back to the donors.
Wednesday, October 20
I'm fine, busy with my freaking timetable... [assuming that you all are asking about my absence]
Briefly, I'd like to say that the situation in Iraq is not getting better.
And I'm not able to do anything, that's pretty much frustrating to me; I'm here with lots and lots of work, thousands of miles .. I mean, kilometers away from home (I EVEN started to measure in miles, Gee!)
The Jarrar family [that's us] are doing a small humanitarian project which aims to assist hospitals and some families in Iraq.
please check Raed's, Khalid's or mom's blog, the post on Wednesday October 20, for more details about the project and how to help.
Monday, October 4
walking to the house of Huu-Hay-Aht [or something close to that name!], a cultural center for Native Canadian people in Bamfield, BC, Canada
me, half-asleep standing next to my tent, Tuesday morning in Keeha Beach after a long muddy hike the night before, Bamfield, BC, Canada.
during our hike, in the middle of the west cost trail... one of world's best places to hike, Bamfield, BC, Canada.
taken in front of Bamfield primary school, where we were doing a community service program, (every student was telling the kids some info about his/her country..)... i'm the cute one who's putting a fisherman hat on ;-) that happened during action week when we were camping at Pacheena bay, Bamfield, BC, Canada.
watching the sun set at Keeha beech, we went there in an over-night hike....
we slept on the beach that night, around the camp fire we made.... it was so nice.
students from left to right are: Hernan (Argentina), Michael (Egypt), Me (Iraq), Emily (Canada), Christy (group instuctor), tatinda (Zimbaboe), Debra (Singapore), Husnia (Afghanistan), Mayo (Japan). Behind them, Fawn (Canada) and Michelle (Ecuador).
sitting far behind is Xochilt (Nicaragwa) and Ingrid (Paraguay).
Saturday, September 25
this picture was taken during Metchosen day, an annual celebration where students of Pearson College participate with their national customs, this picture was taken for Asian students... students were like: stay away, you are middle-eastern, this is asian-only picture... and I was like: I AM AISAN!!... whatever.
Monday, September 20
Japan house team, during the house olympics [we got 3rd :-s], i'm the one who sitting like Roberto carlos, with an offwhite T-shirt and black pants with a red line on them ;-)
on our way to Race Rocks Islands, we went for exploring, then we went hicking for the whole day .... and i drove the boat for 15 minutes :-)
this is Pi-chi, the campus cat, she's been here for 12 years... and we spend lots of time together when i'm studying :-)
Saturday, September 18
Was I asleep for all that time?
Last time I posted, was two days before my last final, I was afraid; I felt like my life was ending, I felt like I would have to start a new life, make new friends, and start walking on the path I would choose for the rest of my life.
As time passed, and while my friends and I were waiting for our results, we all felt that these days will be gone, and we may not meet again… our friendship is going to be lost, like everything else around.
The results came out, surprisingly shocking, my average was 96.4%, I was ranked 4th on the highschool and among the top 20 students in Iraq… I still can’t believe that I did it.
I was happy... ignoring all the other things that goes around the world. for the 1st time in my life, i choose to forget about more activism, and focus on enjoying what myself valued as "victory".
Soon it became obvious to me that I am going to leave Iraq… And that resolution that came out from the Iraqi Ministry of Higher Education saying that non-Iraqi students are no longer allowed to study in Iraq, neither depending on their grades nor on their money, did nothing but assured me that I’m no longer welcomed in my country. This was a complete shock to me; I haven’t even thought of studying somewhere else than in Baghdad University. To me, Baghdad University was something… holy.
It was 5:30am, and I was taking my last look at my home, I could sense the walls of my room covered with posters of The Matrix and prints of a basketball everywhere, all together, kissing me goodbye… my PC, my desk and my bed, I saw them shedding tears… However, I left with my cold-hearted theme.
I left Iraq with tears in my heart I did not shed; I had cried before and it brought nothing, but left me with more despair.
Stayed in Jordan for some time, spend some quality time with my girlfriend; we both knew that we won’t see each other for a long while… for her, it was devastating.But for me…I don't know what it was for me.
Then, the time had come, when I had to say good bye, Raed, Nicki, my girlfriend, my cousins, my aunts and uncles were all standing behind the queue, I was looking at them while I’m checking my bags in the airport… mom and dad were back in Iraq… it was a cruel moment, but I already knew that I will sacrifice a lot.
I stayed in Frankfurt for one day, then left to Vancouver and stayed one day as well then I left to Victoria… it took me a total of 38 hours to reach Pearson College in Victoria… and during that 38 hours, I bought a marc polo sweater, I had some coffee at Star Bucks, talked with FIDO customer service about getting a FIDO SIM-card for my cell phone… I felt like this trip was a huge fast step into westernization.
I reached Pearson College at noon… I was pretty shocked that all people were expecting and waiting for me, for the students, I was a new social experiment, for the director of the school, it was another great achievement.
Pearson College is an international college that contains 200 students from more than 80 different nationalities around the world. I, Majid Jarrar, was the 1st Iraqi student to attend one of the United World Colleges since the end of the Iraqi-Iranian war in 1988.The 1st week passed with no classes, just all-day orientation, meeting students, making parties and telling all about Iraq over and over and over…
I feel that this whole “transformation” was too soon for me, but I believe it is the right time though... and I guess I’m pretty ready for that challenge.
Tuesday, June 15
I actually asked myself that question this morning, as I finished my Chemistry final… I have nothing left in my school life, but my next Physics final, next Wednesday.
I smelled the freedom, mixed with my fear; fear of the anonymous.
Spontaneously, I started to have a flash back of every special moment in my life, the sweet and the bitter moments. I started to remember all these special events I wished that I could always remember, but never did…
The 1st words I read in a school book, 12 years ago, Dar, Door [house, houses, the 1st two words in the Iraqi 1st grade reading book] are still in my vision, I still remember their font, I still hear the echo of Miss Sabeeha’s voice in my ear, when she was pronouncing the words carefully in my reading book.
I can never forget the 1st friend I had in my life and our friendship-forever oath… And my 1st look at the 2nd grade arithmetic school book, it was love at first sight.
I would never forget the excitement of Miss Awatif [my 3rd Grade Math Teacher] to listen to me telling her the 1st 10 integer square roots. I felt I was the king of the world.
As I started to restore my memories, I felt all those feelings I thought I would never remember… my shyness to stand before the pupils to read my favorite poems, my pride when I was elected “the ideal pupil” of 6th grade, the first time I knew what is to be in love…
I couldn’t believe that life was moving that fast, I have [almost] finished the most important period of my life
It seemed that I was carried away by my feelings; I didn’t pay attention to the traffic jam this time, I didn’t even notice the noise of the US helicopters raping the silence of our skies.
I still can’t find out how strange it is, to lose your memories by time. I couldn’t believe that I actually forgot the hatred we –students– felt against our teachers as they were pushing us to become Ba’athists.
I still meet the same faces everyday… in the school, in the street, at work… everywhere…
I think I just woke up… with a despaired scream of “what the hell has happened here?”
Now I have a new schedule…
June 16, end of finals, senior year… I’m outta high school.
June 17, kick bremer's ass, free the world.
Wednesday, May 12
She lived in Chicago…
May God have mercy on her soul…
Her death has given me another push to live, another cause for anger, and another reason to struggle for.
My deep consolations to her family…
I can't express what's in my mind anymore.
Sunday, May 2
As the war broke out, I intended to head to the extreme day by day; under such pressure, I couldn’t express myself in a peaceful way, neither any other civilian could, everybody seemed to be deaf…and no one would listen to what I said. I started to understand the ideology of suicide bombers; no one would listen to their despair, either.
My ideology was to raise my voice, and that’s why I was into the idea of founding Al-Muajaha… but soon after, people started to be deaf again, I had to make it louder, I started to post blogs at the family site… then I started to blog here…
I had to prove in any possible way that the US administration, is not the angel we were waiting for. I assure everybody that Saddam may be the most evil dictator ever, but at least he was honest enough to be proud of it; he thought with his primitive mind that it’s the only way to treat people like Iraqis. Sadly, most of Iraqis still believe in same thing.
Ammar, a person who I met after the war, said “those Americans will not succeed unless they ruled like Saddam, we Iraqis are easily inflamed and nothing can rule us except fire”. Now actually there is no Ammar, but there are hundreds of “Ammars” I meet all the time; taxi drivers, grocers, neighborhood guards, unemployed people… whether they liked or not, and whether you liked or not, they know that one fact is life under Saddam was much easier, period.
Anyhow, it is obvious that Bush has learnt those people’s advices now.
Now, it’s year 2004, and we live in a country that has been “liberated”, but surprisingly, it’s still missing its freedom of expression, freedom of publish, freedom of criticism… we live in a country that has a ministry for human right, but no rights for humans. We barely are able to live.
We are barely able to be.
So when Bush shows up and blabs about how he was sent from the God to free Iraq, then blabs about Iraq’s WMD, then kills more than 2000 civilians with no word of sorry. Then he goes handing over the west bank to Sharon with pleasure, and then you see a comparing between how wonderful and deep and touching stories of US brave soldiers who sacrificed their lives for the happiness of Iraqis were, and how margined and unimportant and shallow stories of Iraqi civilians deaths were. you SHOULD expect mad Iraqis after that; because they are just a weak society, that was trained for decades to start wars, to live in wars, while all what they wanted was just like what any other peaceful society has asked for; peace.
They got sick of life now, they had high hopes in life after Saddam, but US invasion has made things worse, made the life under Saddam like precious memories, and made Iraqis lose their hopes to live until they see a peaceful Iraq.
So… *ding*, Iraqis stopped giving a shit about it.
Why would we care? What do we have to lose now? Or let me put that again…
What do we have now?
Dead relatives, burnt city, destroyed monuments, blocked roads, useless government, injustice invader, expensive markets… and now tortured prisons.
What pushes me now? What is the motive to go on with my life? Why don’t I just join my other schoolmates who dropped out the school and joined the armed resistance?
Wasn’t it me who always dreamt of studying at MIT? Weren’t it us [students] who were told that we are the future and that this country is depending on us?
Why did I lose my dreams? Why did my friends dropped out their schools? Who made me turn my ideology from “I’m a 17-year-old guy and I can do much” to “I’m a 17-year-old guy and when am I going to die?”
They destroyed my life, my girlfriend’s, and my people’s… whether they wanted it or not, whether they were mean enough or stupid enough.
No one cares no more.
I started to feel happy reading the headlines now, more of US Soldiers are dead, let them all burn in hell. Let’s all jump on those burnt hum-vees. YIIIIHAAAAA.
Barbarism can be also subjective.
They destroyed lives of everyone I loved… and mine as well.
Didn’t these soldiers say that this is kinda pay back to what happened in 9/11?
Did those civilians who died were involved with what happened in 9/11? Actually, many of them haven’t even heard of that tragedy.
Anyway, being a Muslim, I should always treat the bad with good, its better for both of the parties.
But now, heh… I don’t care, when Bush spits on my face next time, I won’t clean my face and say I’ll forgive you… no, I will fuck him. And fuck anyone who won’t like it.
Well, I received lots of messages lately warning me and telling me to warn my people not to get angry, because that is a trap made by the US administration. And we would lose much if we attacked and became violent.
But wait a second; what do we have to lose again?
You’d better be aware, stupid US army, US moronic politicians; I am a 17-year-old VERY... VERY mad teenager, periods.
Song of the day… the month… the year and lifetime.
I Can't Remember Anything
Can't Tell If this Is True or Dream
Deep down Inside I Feel to Scream
This Terrible Silence Stops Me
Now That the War Is Through with Me
I'm waking up I Can Not See
That There Is Not Much Left of Me
Nothing Is Real but Pain Now
Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake me
Back in the Womb its Much Too Real
In Pumps Life That I must Feel
But Can't Look Forward to Reveal
Look to the Time When I'll Live
Fed Through the Tube That Sticks in Me
Just like a Wartime Novelty
Tied to Machines That Make Me Be
Cut this Life off from Me
Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake Me
Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One
Oh God, help Me Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God Help Me
All That I See
I Cannot Live
I Cannot Die
Trapped in Myself
Body My Holding Cell
Has Taken My Sight
Taken My Speech
Taken My Hearing
Taken My Arms
Taken My Legs
Taken My Soul
Left Me with Life in Hell
*Metallica - and Justice for all (1988?).
Thursday, April 29
I don't think so.
In the recent year, Iraq's had possibly one of the highest educated middle class of all communities, reflect on it: dead communications with the "out world", no opportunities to get a job out side Iraq, and collages that keep graduating thousands of new “unemployed-correctly” people. I mean, for God's sake, have you ever heard of a country with doctors and engineers working as taxi drivers, with chemistry scientists selling groceries, with psychiatrists training local football teams? And the list goes on…
I mean, Iraq DOES have massive potentials that actually some of it is showing now helping to build the new Iraq.
But after all, Iraqis are not jerks, unlike, the GC and Bermer, they know what is good for their sake, the US doesn’t... if Iraqis didn't won't to be a US colony and wanted to be communists, so be it. If Iraq is turning into a quagmire, so be it. No UFOs have landed on the white house 100 years ago and told people not to be what they are.
However, we had US UFOs coming down upon our homes, killing our soldiers [hey, did you know that Iraqis soldiers have families, too?], the US invasion to Iraq caused a massive-scaled change in history, not for the good, but for the BAD.
Why do Americans care so much about making Iraqis gentlemen!
Why didn’t the US administration spend those billions of dollars on poor countries in the south of Africa!
Why didn’t the US army invade Palestine and gave it “freedom” instead?
Oh wait, its buddy is doing that.
I can say that I am an optimistic guy, sometimes... and I can say I’m certain that Iraq will be one of the richest countries in the world pretty soon...
Back to our… MY, speech about the good and the bad, the BAD that I was talking about was, the US invasion has interrupted a very important era in Iraq's history, Iraqis should've made the revolution themselves.
Europe would not have been what it is now, if it didn't pass through the injustice and the dictatorship in the 16th and 17th century... that made people there to correct their goals, to know their sake, before they had started the revolution in Europe.
Now the US invaded Iraq, stopped this ehh... process of this nation's growth, or whatever.
Iraqis now are out of choices, and will either start all over again since 1914 when the Brits invaded Iraq, and repeat their history to get another independence, or they will go with the flow, and become lazy assholes waiting for the US to change their diapers.
I’ll go back to study more of… bullshit, I am having an I-don’t-care-what-I’m-studying-now period…
Myself: so why didn't the CNN broadcast the interview anyway?
Me: you stupid, who told you that they are going to broadcast it?
Myself: do you mean that CNN is not so good?
Me: not so good? CNN is one of them you idiot, wake up.
Saturday, April 24
But you know what, the CNN guys came today to our home... and they interviewed the three of us. We blabbed things about the current situation ... I didn't participate much, I was actually thinking of my physics curriculum and when am i going to finish it!
So anyway, I’m still frustrated about the situation... nothing to cheer me up ... just couple of nice messages i receive at my mailbox everyday ;-).
So Bremer did change his mind... hey, now I knew why people use “jerk” for.
If you want people to RESPECT you, stick with your point of view… and please, stick with a WISE one.
-so, let’s take those Ba’athists out of the usual day life...
-oh wait.... 90% of this country are Ba’athists.
-well ... let’s allow them to “live” back again.
I mean, it’s not a matter of trial and error here, is it?
Let’s hope that Bremer won’t apply the same theory about providing clean water to Iraqis.
hey, i'll let you know when is it going to be broadcasted on CNN... so hold your breaths, you are going to see me!.
Thursday, April 22
Now I have a new concept; I’m still studying, and will keep on studying… until next June, or until I die. That depends on which would be closer, and actually, you can never guess… it’s a matter of seconds and… boom, you are vanished.
Yesterday, it was midnight and I was trying to sleep; I had to wake up before 7:00am [like everyday] to start studying...
But that night, and instead of hearing dogs barking in the middle of the night, I was hearing choppers moving around, and tanks passing next to our house. Suddenly, I started to hear noise of a close tank engine going louder and louder, and the frequency of the sound was getting higher as well, it was just like the sound of a rocket being launched. I got frightened, all what I was thinking of was about this tank going to explode for some reason, and it was about 10 meter away from the house and I was going to die; I felt drops of sweat coming down on my forehead, I closed my eyes, and actually started praying.
The smell of fear in my heart lasted for about one minute (but seemed like eternity to me), and then started to fade away… then there was a moment of silence that gave time to think about how many people faced the same long moments of terror; workers in the world trade center before two airplanes hit them, families in the south of Iraq during the invasion before an A-10 aircraft fires a missile at their house, children of the kindergarten in their school bus returning home before their bus gets exploded.
I woke up today at 9:50, I couldn’t sleep last night… I turned on my laptop, started to write this blog… just to make myself feel better… but what about those who were killed, who were harmed… who will make them and their families feel better?
Will the GC ever going to wake up and realize that not everybody in Iraq is enjoying the life like they do…
I mean, I passed the question about the CPA, because I am sure that they will not.
Myself always thinks with ego about what if it was “the one”, what if it would be who will solve all the problems of this nation, pretty scary huh?
Maybe it would be me… or myself, who knows.
Friday, April 16
We -Iraqi people- want our relatives, money, possessions, homes and life-style back...
Saddam wanted money and power…
Bush wants more money and power… each from his own perspective.
That is all, period.
American families want their relative soldiers back home, Iraqis want their relative soldiers back alive... but you just can't go wishing that to happen, it's not that simple.
1st, to be a soldier, is to be ready and willing to sacrifice your body and soul for your nation's goals... an Iraqi soldier does not consider going "back" from a battle, neither does an American one nor any other soldier in the world.
This case we are talking about is huge, it is not a case of individuals; not the case of my cousin who went to fight, it’s the case of my country going to fight, it all started as an individual one though; a Saddam-Bush case that was extended to be a US/Allies-Iraqi case... and for that, there will be a bead body counter for both sides.
Let me say this from an Iraqi citizen perspective: I am half-Iraqi, half of my friends are Brits and Americans, and I think that i am proud of that... but when it comes to Brits and Americans who can be classified under "invaders" category, it won’t not a matter of friendship no more... its a matter of nationalism... this is MY country.... if Americans came to Iraq as tourists, visitors, friends.... I would honor them, love them, help them, and sacrifice my soul just to protect them. And I actually do all that for my American friends coming to Iraq as journalists, activists, etc... But if Americans came to invade the land of my fathers, the holy land of many prophets... i will curse them, attack them, and sacrifice my blood and soul to get them out of this country, dead or alive.
There are priorities in each man's life, mine here would possibly be: God, Science, and Home... After that i can put my “globalized/westernized” ideas.
I'm an ordinary guy [well... that is a lie, my arrogance just cant hold me from saying "im a genius", "I’m an event that happens once in the history"]... i can say that I’m a leftist in a moderate way in everything in my ordinary life.... but that’s in my "ordinary" life only.... when my life becomes an "extreme" life... where i have to be white or black about my points, "with us or with them" quoting from G.W.Bush... i have to go to the extreme to prove my point, or i drown with the flow....
I always believed in Globalization, but now is not the right time to go in the street shouting that.... i will shot dead by the Iraqi "them"... i don't know precisely what i will be betraying... but i will be a betrayer anyway... so, in such extreme circumstances, I DO go to street shouting NO for UN/US/whatever negotiations until the siege of Falluja is over, YES for US/UK products boycott...
im addicted to Nescafe, Pepsi, Kitkat... but there is a time when you have to leave something you like for something you love, that is literally what Al-Jihad is all about...
However, I think I'm making my own kitkat Jihad style here.
The current situation of Iraq is not a normal situation, nobody can go trying to apply ideal rules on Iraqis.... it is not that simple... you can't go telling people stop fighting Americans, calm down and chill out a bit... go to the peaceful negotiation phase and we will leave soon... nobody will buy that anymore... this trick is old now… Iraqis learnt from Palestinian mistakes.
Flyers are spread everywhere by a group that now calls itself "The Islamic National Iraqi Resistance", declaring that the Airport highway is a military zone, and preventing Iraqis from taking that road because it will be used as a way to destroy all vehicles going to the Airport; the current US militarily headquarters.
The US administration keeps on setting this fire on and on by its continuous militarily uprising... more and more of tanks crossing the Airport highway every now and then, US hum-vees patrolling in the airport way… they like playing with fire.
I just keep hearing the explosions there… our house is close to the airport and I daily see at least one US vehicle burning down there.
After all, I receive a message from an American lady in Texas, asking me to tell my folks to stop killing soldiers so they can leave the country.
Well, you Americans go and elect a president that approves on the US withdrawal, and we promise that we will stop and move on to the next step: The Brits.
Thursday, April 8
The friendly all-time-joking guy seemed angry out of this situation; he stood up in a noticeable move, threw the test paper and continued "what's the use of studying this... who can ensure me that I'm not going to be dead before going to collage...why don't I go and fight with them?"
We all looked at him, gave him a stop-that-crap-and-get-back-to-your-exam look.
Being a part of the Iraqi youth, I started to feel the anger growing in my veins recently, especially after those events and the potential feeling of huge riots coming... I can't put this heat out unless I place my despair instead.
One year ago, I remember I was telling me friends "you will all be happy, you will be promised a lot, and you'll dream on that. you will not wake up before 4 or 5 years to find the American machine still sucking your oil and giving you more promises instead. Then, you'll revolute."
I was actually certain of what's going to happen, and I was telling myself that not until 3 years from now [referring to last year] people will not sense the importance of their nationalism; that feeling that became old now, and the one that Saddam made Iraqis believe that is defined loyalty to him and only to him.
Tomorrow will be whole year passed on the occupation and I am actually anxious to know what it's going to be like, the current GC position towards this day is that it's the National Day of Iraq, I guess Iraqis will show that they mind that.
As I remember, Tomorrow is the anniversary of the assassination of Mohammad Baqir As-Sadr, father of the current local hero Mohammad Moqtada As-Sadr, and that is not a happy event for Shi'aa at all. Moreover, Sunni Muslims will have their FIRST united Friday prayer tomorrow; this event will take place in ex-Mother of Battles Mosque (now called Mother of Villages, referring to Mecca). Other mosques will close their doors, and all Muslims were invited to that mosque, with their weapons if needed. [WHAT?]
For the last couple of days, situation has so much changed than before; streets now are empty, schools and universities are closed, the city is dying again, just like the old times during the war. And for the last couple of nights, bombing was heavy, one could hear shooting all the night everywhere with several BIG explosions every night. I started to see resistance in streets, I always said that those random attacks are not organized enough to be called as "resistance". Well, now I take it back; it actually began to be organized and have more courage, frankly, these people started to make confrontations with US troops that last for like 10-30 minutes. Making serious losses in the US side, it's not getting surprising now to see a wounded soldier, or a burned tank.
In the other hand, civilian Iraqis are also participating with this in a way or another; food rations and money donations are being collected daily and sent to the surrounded Falluja. Wait for this, Demonstrations in Karbala encouraging Falluja people, Husaniyyas [Shi'aa mosques] giving speeches to support their Sunni brothers!!!
This political/militarily uprising was the spark that set this fire on, not an Iraqi/Iraqi fire like in a civil war as many analyzed, but a fire to unite Iraqis, teach them what is to be occupied, and how to react towards it.
After all this incredible intensity of continuous events, I go down the street in Karrada, and find couple of US soldiers buying food from a local Iraqi mini market. That seems so ironic to me so I ask the folks a permission to take a picture for them, and the officer agrees with a condition,"You make me look sexy in that photo, kid."
Wednesday, March 31
It's been 17 years since I was born, and the only fact I know about myself is that I'm 17.
Numbers, the only thing certain, nobody can argue you with that; if life was made of numbers, I would have known more things about it. I can spend my entire life, living in my imagination. But I know that someday will come and I'll wake up, late... as usual.
62 days to my finals. I have just realized that. I already have started to hear the ringing of the bell that announces the end of my exam time limit, I didn't finish answering yet.
Am i lost here?
4 days to publish the almuajaha next issue, and I still have 4 articles to translate, nobody knows how to design the paper but me. Folks are depending on me, I don't know how many people are waiting out there for this issue to be released.
Wasn't I supposed to focus on my study? I have 62 days only to finals.
Am i lost here?
She is pushing too much on me . I don't trust her. She worships me. I love her. She is supposed to be on my side. She is not. She does not understand me. I do and I can't sleep.
Wasn't I supposed to sleep the night so I can live the day? I have to study/work/live.
Am i lost here?
I promised them to finish this footage weeks ago. I haven't begun working on it yet. It's okay for them maybe, but it's so not okay for me.
AM I LOST HERE?
I must read more about radio editing; I shall start doing some audio streaming for the Tigris woods project, that must take most of my time.
Wasn't I supposed to do something else? I don't know what it is, but things started to mix up here.
One of the hard questions in my mind was finally solved, when will my mind stop functioning because of this over-... life?
Study, failure, time, graduation, work, postpone, duty, character, hate, love, God, irony, patience, intelligence, injustice, rights, prejudice, success, journalism, lies, news, activism, headache, pain, diseases, paradox, conflict, disgrace, suicidal, paralyzed, confused, confusion, more of confusion...
It is all unfinished businesses.
I am lost.
found a new reason to shed my tears.
Saturday, February 21
I assumed that this meant that she was supposed to consider herself all mine........ Too.
I waited for her, we were supposed to start chatting online at 9:00 Amman time ... I waited and waited for so long ... Then I waited more. My internet account was over, and the line was disconnected... It was 1:30am Baghdad time and still, she weren't home yet.
I called her, she picks up the phone laughing ... Answering with a happy tone ... She just went out of the cinema with her friends .. It appeared that 'her friends' referred to 'him'... Together they went to see the same romance movie that she and I went to see it when I was there with her. I heard him making fun on the way she looks and she was telling him to stop it with a come-and-get-me tone ... I smelt his perfume all over her... I felt his hands around her body... Was I upset ? I Don't know.
I finished the phone call, told her that I'm going to bed because I was too tired to talk, she agrees, simply agrees.
I lied in bed .... I was confused and thinking...I had nothing to do but thinking.
she calls, its 2:30 in the morning, she must have been back home by now... I reject her call. She calls again, and again ... She keeps calling, 10 or 12 times. No .. It was 12 ,I'm sure .... Then I decide to pick it up next time, she stops calling.
I'm back to my confused position.
3:30 in the morning, I'm still awake.... Thinking, was I confused ? No.
3:45 ... It was the last time I saw the weird looking clock in my bed-room.
I woke up at 11:00 ... Headache is filling my over-thinking head as usual, hate was in my heart... That's new.
that was all.
was that a nightmare ? Maybe.
what is for sure is that now I hate myself more.
Peace? Not anymore.