Wednesday, May 12

My best American friend has died today… and I am so depressed…
She lived in Chicago…
May God have mercy on her soul…
Her death has given me another push to live, another cause for anger, and another reason to struggle for.
My deep consolations to her family…
I can't express what's in my mind anymore.

Out.

Sunday, May 2

I can’t speak out what’s in my mind anymore.

As the war broke out, I intended to head to the extreme day by day; under such pressure, I couldn’t express myself in a peaceful way, neither any other civilian could, everybody seemed to be deaf…and no one would listen to what I said. I started to understand the ideology of suicide bombers; no one would listen to their despair, either.
My ideology was to raise my voice, and that’s why I was into the idea of founding Al-Muajaha… but soon after, people started to be deaf again, I had to make it louder, I started to post blogs at the family site… then I started to blog here…

I had to prove in any possible way that the US administration, is not the angel we were waiting for. I assure everybody that Saddam may be the most evil dictator ever, but at least he was honest enough to be proud of it; he thought with his primitive mind that it’s the only way to treat people like Iraqis. Sadly, most of Iraqis still believe in same thing.

Ammar, a person who I met after the war, said “those Americans will not succeed unless they ruled like Saddam, we Iraqis are easily inflamed and nothing can rule us except fire”. Now actually there is no Ammar, but there are hundreds of “Ammars” I meet all the time; taxi drivers, grocers, neighborhood guards, unemployed people… whether they liked or not, and whether you liked or not, they know that one fact is life under Saddam was much easier, period.

Anyhow, it is obvious that Bush has learnt those people’s advices now.

Now, it’s year 2004, and we live in a country that has been “liberated”, but surprisingly, it’s still missing its freedom of expression, freedom of publish, freedom of criticism… we live in a country that has a ministry for human right, but no rights for humans. We barely are able to live.
We are barely able to be.

So when Bush shows up and blabs about how he was sent from the God to free Iraq, then blabs about Iraq’s WMD, then kills more than 2000 civilians with no word of sorry. Then he goes handing over the west bank to Sharon with pleasure, and then you see a comparing between how wonderful and deep and touching stories of US brave soldiers who sacrificed their lives for the happiness of Iraqis were, and how margined and unimportant and shallow stories of Iraqi civilians deaths were. you SHOULD expect mad Iraqis after that; because they are just a weak society, that was trained for decades to start wars, to live in wars, while all what they wanted was just like what any other peaceful society has asked for; peace.
They got sick of life now, they had high hopes in life after Saddam, but US invasion has made things worse, made the life under Saddam like precious memories, and made Iraqis lose their hopes to live until they see a peaceful Iraq.

So… *ding*, Iraqis stopped giving a shit about it.
Why would we care? What do we have to lose now? Or let me put that again…
What do we have now?
Dead relatives, burnt city, destroyed monuments, blocked roads, useless government, injustice invader, expensive markets… and now tortured prisons.

What pushes me now? What is the motive to go on with my life? Why don’t I just join my other schoolmates who dropped out the school and joined the armed resistance?

Wasn’t it me who always dreamt of studying at MIT? Weren’t it us [students] who were told that we are the future and that this country is depending on us?

Why did I lose my dreams? Why did my friends dropped out their schools? Who made me turn my ideology from “I’m a 17-year-old guy and I can do much” to “I’m a 17-year-old guy and when am I going to die?”

They did.
They destroyed my life, my girlfriend’s, and my people’s… whether they wanted it or not, whether they were mean enough or stupid enough.
No one cares no more.

I started to feel happy reading the headlines now, more of US Soldiers are dead, let them all burn in hell. Let’s all jump on those burnt hum-vees. YIIIIHAAAAA.
Barbarism can be also subjective.

They destroyed lives of everyone I loved… and mine as well.
Didn’t these soldiers say that this is kinda pay back to what happened in 9/11?
Did those civilians who died were involved with what happened in 9/11? Actually, many of them haven’t even heard of that tragedy.

Anyway, being a Muslim, I should always treat the bad with good, its better for both of the parties.

But now, heh… I don’t care, when Bush spits on my face next time, I won’t clean my face and say I’ll forgive you… no, I will fuck him. And fuck anyone who won’t like it.

Well, I received lots of messages lately warning me and telling me to warn my people not to get angry, because that is a trap made by the US administration. And we would lose much if we attacked and became violent.

But wait a second; what do we have to lose again?

You’d better be aware, stupid US army, US moronic politicians; I am a 17-year-old VERY... VERY mad teenager, periods.

****

Song of the day… the month… the year and lifetime.

I Can't Remember Anything
Can't Tell If this Is True or Dream
Deep down Inside I Feel to Scream
This Terrible Silence Stops Me
Now That the War Is Through with Me
I'm waking up I Can Not See
That There Is Not Much Left of Me
Nothing Is Real but Pain Now

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake me

Back in the Womb its Much Too Real
In Pumps Life That I must Feel
But Can't Look Forward to Reveal
Look to the Time When I'll Live
Fed Through the Tube That Sticks in Me
Just like a Wartime Novelty
Tied to Machines That Make Me Be
Cut this Life off from Me

Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake Me

Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One
Oh God, help Me Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God Help Me

Darkness
Imprisoning Me
All That I See
Absolute Horror
I Cannot Live
I Cannot Die
Trapped in Myself
Body My Holding Cell

Landmine
Has Taken My Sight
Taken My Speech
Taken My Hearing
Taken My Arms
Taken My Legs
Taken My Soul
Left Me with Life in Hell

*Metallica - and Justice for all (1988?).